On Depression (mine)

Hey! Thanks for reading! Just a reminder that I wrote this some years ago, and may have much more complicated feelings about this topic than I did when I wrote it. Happy to elaborate, feel free to reach out to me! ๐Ÿ˜„

This is a companion discussion topic for the original entry at https://morepablo.com/2013/10/on-depression-mine.html

I intellectualize as a means of defense, so naturally I needed to understand WHY depression happens and I think Iโ€™ve read a lot of different things, and this post really sums it up the best for me. Itโ€™s a rational response to our instinctive bodily responses being punished. And sometimes we punish our own instinctive bodily responses. Learning to understand my body and not get upset at it has been really, really hard and also really, really rewarding. Accepting that my body will be cold and not getting upset at it, but instead covering it, basic shit like that seems to keep the horror at bay.

I think I call mine the beast. I live in fear of it. I try to protect others from it, but when things get really bad, the beast comes out and I used to just self-punish and stifle the beast even more. Terrible idea. Now, I assume the beast is coming from a rational place and go from there. Sleep. Electrolytes. Eye drops. Yoga. Massage. Do everything possible to soothe and then do what the beast wants, but in language and manner befitting an adult. Anxiety. Depression. ADHD. PTSD. I feel like all of these things are different parts of the same elephant that is mind-body disconnection and war-with-self.

I identify so deeply at the idea of being at war with myself, and I have entertained the idea that maybe one day theyโ€™ll take apart the brains of people with severe depression and find out that their brains are chimeric. Even if not, I think there is a social hunger that feeds depression - the need to have someone do and say things that are opposite yours so you can stand for something. IDK, Iโ€™m getting off the reservation here. Probably because Iโ€™m bad.